You would think that life would be great! After a long 3-year struggle we got pregnant and then we had our beautiful baby boy.
Life IS great! Don’t get me wrong. But I will always be an infertile. I know the heartache of a miscarriage. I know the pain in seeing those around me get pregnant while I try to manage through yet another failed cycle. Being poked and prodded. Having surgery to “explore” what could be wrong. Feeling less of a woman because you can’t do something that is inherent to being a woman. So I know what it is like to be on the “other side.” I have friends who are still trying to get pregnant. I read blogs of those who are trying to decide when enough trying is enough. I read those blogs or chat with my friends and I feel the pangs of what I and others in the infertile community have called survivors guilt.
I want to share anything and everything about our little boy. The funny face he made when he tried sweet potatoes for the first time, the diaper blowouts, the sleepless nights, you name it. But whenever I do this, I can’t help but put myself in the shoes of those still trying to attain their miracle. How would they feel constantly being bombarded by baby news, while they feel the void of something they have yet to experience? Before I got pregnant with our little guy, I would still read the blogs and follow those going through their own miracle pregnancy. I felt a lot of envy. I was not proud of that feeling. And yes, I could have stopped reading the blogs, but I think it helped me to see that there was still hope out there. Hope that if it happened for them, surely it would happen for me. And I also wanted to “stay with them” on their journey. They were still infertile, they didn’t all of a sudden become someone who did not struggle to get pregnant. So why would I just abandon them completely. But I also know, if I had, they would have understood. (That is what is different about women who struggle to get pregnant and those who don’t. It is a special group of women who would gladly tear up their membership card if they could. But unless you have gone through it, you just can’t fully understand.)
With each post during my pregnancy and now after the birth, I am constantly aware of how others reading this might be feeling. I certainly don’t want to be the cause of any pain or envy. I thank God every day that we were blessed with a child. The harsh reality is that not every dealing with infertility will be. And this breaks my heart. I feel guilty for having succeeded where others have failed. Why me and not them? And I can tell you that as someone who has been on the other side of things, I would be the first to tell that person who succeeded, “please don’t feel guilty. I am happy for you and you have given me hope.”
I have said those things. It was tough, I won’t lie. But at the same time I was thrilled for their success. And it did give me hope!
I don’t like feeling guilty for being successful. But that is my own cross to bear and something that I need to deal with. No one is making me feel guilty. It is hard not to question, why did it work for me and not for her. But these are questions we will never know the answer to.
But know that I understand. I hope and pray everyday that those still trying to get pregnant, will.
Thanks for reading.