So today would have been the due date of our baby had we not had a miscarriage in December. I can’t say that I am healed from the pain, as I don’t think one ever heals from it. But it has definitely been easier to deal with. I am sure that is in big part due to the fact that I am currently pregnant. No telling where I would be emotionally right now if we were still trying to get pregnant, but I am sure it would not be pretty.
I also think that is a part of why I have been not as enthusiastic as I would have thought I would be at this point. Don’t get me wrong. I am so excited to be pregnant and to be this far along. But I also have to be realistic and know that things can happen at any stage of the pregnancy. Of course you can’t dwell on those things because it isn’t good for you or the baby, but they are still present in my mind.
I know our first baby wasn’t meant to be. I think I knew early on, especially with my HCG level so low to start. But there were those stories where people had low HCG levels and ended up having a healthy baby in the end. So I had hope, but realistically I had to start excepting that it was most likely not going to happen. My hope increased with each increased (doubled) beta, but something in my heart kept telling me not to get too excited. And of course that made me feel guilty. But reflecting on it now, I realize that my body/mind was right to feel those things.
Much like after our Embryo Transfer for the 3rd IVF; I had the feeling that I was indeed pregnant this time. So much so I even tested early. Something I had not done for all the previous IUIs and IVFs. I was so scared to test as I didn’t want to be disappointed but something inside of me was telling me it was ok. That this would be the one. And it was.
So today I reflect on our journey. It has been a tough road. Not as tough as what others have had, but certainly tougher than some. And the journey continues. One week from today we will get to see our little one again. See how he/she is developing and see if it is a boy or a girl. Then that will take us into the second half of this pregnancy. There will probably be more struggles along the way and definitely more joy. It is all part of the journey.
Thanks for reading.