now and ever more

each journey begins with one step . . . a baby step

one of those days and day 21 . . . January 21, 2012

Today was not the best day for me.  I think I have been able to “handle” the miscarriage pretty well for the most part.  It does enter my head at least once a day.  I am hoping that gets better.  But today was one of those days.  It started out ok.  I was going to tackle one of the projects on my list.   Then hubby needed some help with a project.  So that ended up taking most of the day.  We went out to get a late lunch and after we got back home and finished the project, I left the room and the tears came.  I tried to “hide” it from hubby only because it was just one of those cries.  It isn’t any one thing that caused me to cry.  I guess it was a bunch of things.  I had read a friend’s blog and I think that just helped the water works to flow.  I could empathize with everything she said and even though on most days I can suppress those feelings, today was not one of those days.

Of course I was not able to hide the tears and hubby did his best to comfort me.  Hard to tell him what was wrong.  I was just an emotional mess.  I pulled myself together, but after he left for work, they came again!  So I let them.  So many thoughts so many questions.  Why haven’t I been able to get pregnant on my own or again?  Why did I miscarry?  Why can others get pregnant so easy and without even trying?  Will we ever have a child?  Am I being punished for something?  Why is it when you want something, you see it everywhere, taunting you?  When will it be our turn? WHY?!?!?!?!

I know there aren’t really any answers to these questions.  I just have to deal with the cards we are dealt.  Most days I can do that with flying colors.  I hate that I let my emotions take over like this and make me feel like a failure.  So I guess the best thing to do is cry and get it out.  And then tomorrow try my best to not let these thoughts take over.

This year will be a great year!  We WILL have a baby, or at least get pregnant and everything WILL be ok!  Tomorrow WILL be a better day!

DAY 21:  List 5 guilty pleasures.

1.  People Magazine.  Sometimes I feel like it is a tabloid, but they do have good articles in there too.

2.  Chocolate.  I like milk chocolate, but white chocolate is my favorite!

3.  Ugly Betty reruns.

4.  Coloring my hair.  Love when it is freshly colored…I feel like a new woman! I need to do it soon…that will help me with my blues.

5.  Christmas cookies!  There is a reason I only bake them once a year.

Thanks for reading.


2 Responses to “one of those days and day 21 . . .”

  1. parentingalive Says:

    Just dropping off some hugs. Reading your blog is like a page from my own journal when I was going through my miscarriage. I had lots of days of those crying spells and felt so silly for going on and on about it, but it just rocks your world in such a personally devastating way. Take time to grieve, you lost a child. There’s no timetable no how long you have to cry.

    I know there are so many questions that remain unanswered and finding peace in all that not-knowing is hardest. I hope you can find that little voice within that will give you the answers you need, and trust it. For now, feel whatever you feel and continue to give yourself whatever guilty pleasures you want. I had a list just like that in my journal after my m/c – I love it!

  2. Princess Says:

    Melissa, I have those days too and I wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you! We are in this together, through good times and bad…we’ll get through it and YES, we’ll either be pregnant or have our babies! 🙂 Big hugs and no more tears girlie…

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