Today was not the best day for me. I think I have been able to “handle” the miscarriage pretty well for the most part. It does enter my head at least once a day. I am hoping that gets better. But today was one of those days. It started out ok. I was going to tackle one of the projects on my list. Then hubby needed some help with a project. So that ended up taking most of the day. We went out to get a late lunch and after we got back home and finished the project, I left the room and the tears came. I tried to “hide” it from hubby only because it was just one of those cries. It isn’t any one thing that caused me to cry. I guess it was a bunch of things. I had read a friend’s blog and I think that just helped the water works to flow. I could empathize with everything she said and even though on most days I can suppress those feelings, today was not one of those days.
Of course I was not able to hide the tears and hubby did his best to comfort me. Hard to tell him what was wrong. I was just an emotional mess. I pulled myself together, but after he left for work, they came again! So I let them. So many thoughts so many questions. Why haven’t I been able to get pregnant on my own or again? Why did I miscarry? Why can others get pregnant so easy and without even trying? Will we ever have a child? Am I being punished for something? Why is it when you want something, you see it everywhere, taunting you? When will it be our turn? WHY?!?!?!?!
I know there aren’t really any answers to these questions. I just have to deal with the cards we are dealt. Most days I can do that with flying colors. I hate that I let my emotions take over like this and make me feel like a failure. So I guess the best thing to do is cry and get it out. And then tomorrow try my best to not let these thoughts take over.
This year will be a great year! We WILL have a baby, or at least get pregnant and everything WILL be ok! Tomorrow WILL be a better day!
DAY 21: List 5 guilty pleasures.
1. People Magazine. Sometimes I feel like it is a tabloid, but they do have good articles in there too.
2. Chocolate. I like milk chocolate, but white chocolate is my favorite!
3. Ugly Betty reruns.
4. Coloring my hair. Love when it is freshly colored…I feel like a new woman! I need to do it soon…that will help me with my blues.
5. Christmas cookies! There is a reason I only bake them once a year.
Thanks for reading.