now and ever more

each journey begins with one step . . . a baby step

a little sad and day 15 . . . January 15, 2012

So today was the first Sunday I have been to Church since Christmas Mass (in St. Louis).  The last time we went to Church at home was Dec 11.  The 2nd Sunday of every month they do a blessing for new and expectant mothers.  So Dec 11 when they asked the congregation, I stood up and walked to the front.  At that time we were still hopeful that we would be ok, but at the same time we were also realistic that I might be miscarrying.  But I chose to step up anyway because I was pregnant and I thought it couldn’t hurt. They say a blessing and give you a flower and then after Mass you are also given a St. Gerard’s (patron Saint of motherhood) pendant.  Then the next day we were told that I was miscarrying.  It was just such a difficult time.

Anyway, I chose not to go last Sunday because that was the Sunday they do the blessing and I knew it would be too hard for me.  So today we were getting ready to go and I noticed that my period was starting.  After a miscarriage you don’t really know for sure when your cycle “gets back to normal.”  So I didn’t really know when to expect it and my husband and I were secretly hoping that we had a slim chance of being pregnant.  We have heard that some women get pregnant right away after a miscarriage.  I had no idea if or when I ovulated but, I guess, we just never want to give up hope.  So when I realized that my period had shown up I got a little sad.  And of course sitting in church, seeing all the little kids and seeing hubby smile and wave at a couple as they walked by, well, my heart broke.  I want so much to have a child and to make him a dad.  He would be an awesome father, I just know it.

And on that note, I do have to say, that for the last week or so I have had this horrible feeling that we will just never get to experience bringing a child into this world, but Friday night, I was home alone and doing some things on the laptop while I was watching TV.  I started to think about that and then the tears came full force.  Then all of a sudden I had this feeling come over me.  A feeling like everything was going to be ok.  That we were going to have a baby.  I can’t really describe it any other way.  I felt relief!  It was the strangest thing.  I now felt happiness.  Ok, say what you will…it was my crazy PMS hormones…but I believe it was God.  I have said all along that I need to stay hopeful and keep the faith that this will happen.  That it is meant to happen.  And I will continue to do that.  Sure there may still be days when I have a little doubt, but those will be few and far between! 🙂

DAY 15:  List 5 things you want to do before you die.

1.  Have a child (or two).

2.  Have a grandchild.

3.  Write a book.

4.  Travel to either Italy or England.

5.  Build our dream house.

Thanks for reading.


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