So today was the first Sunday I have been to Church since Christmas Mass (in St. Louis). The last time we went to Church at home was Dec 11. The 2nd Sunday of every month they do a blessing for new and expectant mothers. So Dec 11 when they asked the congregation, I stood up and walked to the front. At that time we were still hopeful that we would be ok, but at the same time we were also realistic that I might be miscarrying. But I chose to step up anyway because I was pregnant and I thought it couldn’t hurt. They say a blessing and give you a flower and then after Mass you are also given a St. Gerard’s (patron Saint of motherhood) pendant. Then the next day we were told that I was miscarrying. It was just such a difficult time.
Anyway, I chose not to go last Sunday because that was the Sunday they do the blessing and I knew it would be too hard for me. So today we were getting ready to go and I noticed that my period was starting. After a miscarriage you don’t really know for sure when your cycle “gets back to normal.” So I didn’t really know when to expect it and my husband and I were secretly hoping that we had a slim chance of being pregnant. We have heard that some women get pregnant right away after a miscarriage. I had no idea if or when I ovulated but, I guess, we just never want to give up hope. So when I realized that my period had shown up I got a little sad. And of course sitting in church, seeing all the little kids and seeing hubby smile and wave at a couple as they walked by, well, my heart broke. I want so much to have a child and to make him a dad. He would be an awesome father, I just know it.
And on that note, I do have to say, that for the last week or so I have had this horrible feeling that we will just never get to experience bringing a child into this world, but Friday night, I was home alone and doing some things on the laptop while I was watching TV. I started to think about that and then the tears came full force. Then all of a sudden I had this feeling come over me. A feeling like everything was going to be ok. That we were going to have a baby. I can’t really describe it any other way. I felt relief! It was the strangest thing. I now felt happiness. Ok, say what you will…it was my crazy PMS hormones…but I believe it was God. I have said all along that I need to stay hopeful and keep the faith that this will happen. That it is meant to happen. And I will continue to do that. Sure there may still be days when I have a little doubt, but those will be few and far between! 🙂
DAY 15: List 5 things you want to do before you die.
1. Have a child (or two).
2. Have a grandchild.
3. Write a book.
4. Travel to either Italy or England.
5. Build our dream house.
Thanks for reading.