now and ever more

each journey begins with one step . . . a baby step

tough topic and day 8 . . . January 8, 2012

Ok, I have never been a confrontational person, so I keep a lot of things to myself.  But one of the reasons to have a blog is to be able to speak your mind.  It should be one of the places you are free to speak your mind.  So I am going to do that and in no way do I want to offend anyone.  These views are mine and just intended to give some perspective on what I am thinking and feeling.  So with that in mind . . .

I have been a member of (BBC) since the middle of July 2011 (when I was on the 2WW of our 1st IVF).  They have many discussion groups regarding infertility and I have met a lot of wonderful women there and consider them to be friends.  When you are dealing with infertility, the last thing you want to feel is alone in the struggle.  Feeling like there is no one out there that could possibly understand what you are going through.  But there are.  Not sure if that is a good thing or not.  Good to not be alone, bad because so many women struggle with fertility ( I think the number is 1 in 8 women.  And some people use the phrase “struggle with infertility”, I use struggle with fertility.  I have no problem being infertile, my struggle is with being fertile.).  Infertility is a medically diagnosed condition.  When you are infertile, you won’t get pregnant if you “just relax”, “stop thinking about it”, or “stop trying so hard.”  If it were that easy we would all be pregnant.

I have my account on BBC set up to receive an email when there are new discussions in groups in which I am a member.  Most days I skim them.  Once in a while I read the post/question.  A lot of women are going through their 1st IUI, 1st IVF, meeting with their RE for the 1st time.  It all feels like old hat to me.  I feel like a seasoned professional and it has only been just over 2.5 years of trying for us.  I say only because there are couples who have struggled for over 5 years, 10 years, etc.

Please understand that I get those women who after 4 months of trying are frustrated that they aren’t pregnant yet.  They haven’t seen a doctor or really done anything other than have sex.  After all, when you finally decide to have a child you want it to happen as soon as possible.  But in most cases it doesn’t.  So with that little bit of background here are a few things I just need to get off my chest.  Here are some of the comments/questions I see on BBC and my responses I want to post, but don’t.

“Could I be pregnant?”  I do not know if you are pregnant.  Please don’t tell me all about your symptoms.  I get those every month with my period and so do most women.  Yes they could be signs of a pregnancy, but I am not a psychic.  So pee on a stick or call your doctor.

“Do you think my doctor will let me start another IVF cycle right away?”  Um…who is your doctor?  I can call him for you and ask that question, if you like.  I have learned, from reading these discussions, all doctors are different.  Some want you to wait a cycle in between to give your body a rest, or they have all the women go through IVF the same week of every month, others let you start over right away.  Ask your doctor!

“Could this be the month?”  Hey why not?  You have been trying for so long, what 4 months now?  Forget the women who have been trying for 4 years.  You are SO next in line!  Every month I ask myself, “could this be the month?”  And every month for 31 months it wasn’t (yes I did get my BFP…but it went away…so until I have a baby in my arms I will continue to count my months).

“Do I need to take this medicine that my doctor put me on?”  If your doctor put you on it then there must be a darn good reason!  Now if the guy on the street corner told you to take it, then you might want to rethink.  Again I will say this, if you have a question that only your doctor can answer, ASK THE DOCTOR!  If you don’t trust your doctor, find another doctor.  When it comes to all of the stuff we have to go through you need to be able to ask the tough questions and questions that you might ordinarily feel uncomfortable asking.

Whew!  Man that feels good to get that out.  Again, I hope I did not offend anyone.  But sometimes you just need a good vent.   People have real feelings and we try so hard not to offend the person next to us, that we bottle up our own feelings.  Why does it have to be that way?  I guess it doesn’t and that is why we have blogs and discussion groups.  These are places where we can express our feelings and ask our questions.  So I guess it is a catch-22.  Here I am complaining about people just expressing their feelings about situations they are going through.  Who am I to judge?  hmmmm. . . well, it’s my blog and tonight I have the floor!  🙂

Thanks for reading!

DAY 8:  If an observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility (fertility)?

Right now, nothing.  But when we are going through IVF or FET, the upstairs bathroom counter has all of my meds, injectables and a big Sharps container for the needles.  Other than that, no other signs throughout the house.

Thanks for reading.


6 Responses to “tough topic and day 8 . . .”

  1. happysiera Says:

    a-men! i know how you feel … i feel as if i’ve seen so many circles of ladies go through while i’m still trying … and their complaints – definitely not things i have the energy to read let alone post on … i’ve been a member of a number of small groups, there, too … two of which i was (and am) very close to a few gals, yet i can’t go back … sadly, when you’ve been there done that, you only want comfort from those that ‘get it’ … but here’s to luck in 2012!

    oh – and yesterday’s question – make-up bag? what’s that?! hahaha : )

  2. Persephone Says:

    First blog of yours I’ve read, but love it already! Really good post 🙂

  3. Princess Says:

    Melissa- Thanks for venting as you wrote exactly what I’ve been feeling too! To this day, I still do feel alone, even on BBC where everyone else has moved on, has other plans …just kinda feel left behind? It’s a cruel fertility world! I really do feel 2012 is a big year for all of us!!

  4. Aiza Says:

    Brilliant post Melissa. I know how you feel girly. Sometimes people say/ask things without really thinking and when they do that I have all sorts of snarky answers in my head all lined up

  5. Bergitta Says:

    My husband and I have been trying for about 18 months now and we still have no baby. I don’t want to do IVF or anything like that. I’d like to stay natural if I can.

    Does anyone one know how you can increase your fertility or chances of conceiving?

    • One thing I would suggest is to go get checked out by your doctor. Your OB can start with blood tests to see if you ovulate. Also getting your husband checked would be smart too. Easy tests that are not invasive. We would all love to be able to conceive naturally, but so many things are outside of your control. Since it has been 18 months I am sure even your doctor would suggest some basic testing. You don’t want to keep trying naturally if you have a medical issue. Because all that will happen is you will waste precious time. IVF is a last resort, there are so many other options out there and some are even “natural.” Good luck!

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