now and ever more

each journey begins with one step . . . a baby step

winter . . . December 13, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 5:08 PM
Tags: , , ,

Ok, not officially until December 22, but we consider December to be a winter month and it sure looks it outside.  I went for a walk today.  Well, I took our dog for a walk today.  I hadn’t been for a good walk since the embryo transfer to make sure I didn’t do anything too stressful.  What a joke that was!

Anyway, we went to the local park and did a lap around the lake.  As I was walking and trying to keep my mind off of recent events, I had a thought.  I looked at all the trees and they were all empty of their leaves.  And I could not help but have that same feeling…empty.

As silly as it may sound…when I found out I was pregnant, heck even before that, I talked to my stomach.  Like I said I just knew this one was going to work and so from the day of the transfer up to yesterday before I got the results, I talked to our little embryo(s).  I encouraged them to grow. . . to thrive . . . so that we would get to meet one or more of them next year.  I told them how much we wanted them and how much we already loved them.  I felt a connection already.  But now…I am empty.  I bled yesterday and the ironic thing it, that it started right after I listened to the message from the doctor’s office.

There are times throughout the day that I just want to get into bed and be numb.  To let the days pass and get through Christmas as quickly as possible.    I started looking at “support groups” on trying to conceive discussion groups and I just had this feeling that I did not belong there.  Not sure if it was because I don’t feel like I was THAT pregnant.  Afterall, I never got to the point of seeing anything on an ultrasound, heck my HCG numbers never made it above 30 (most pregnancies I read about in the discussion groups start out well above 100).  Or if it was that I don’t want to dwell on this.  Sure I need time to mourn, but I think the more time I spend reading about other people’s losses, the worse it would make me feel.

I have cried today, but not as much as yesterday.  Tomorrow I will probably cry too.  Hopefully not as much as today.

Thank you who have commented.  I appreciate it!

There are a few of my friends/family that know of our journey and I cannot tell you how wonderful they have been.  And if you are reading this, I love each and every one of you, thank you.

And my most incredible husband…who always holds me up and keeps me laughing even through the toughest of times.  I LOVE YOU!

Life is not meant to journey alone.

Thanks for reading.


2 Responses to “winter . . .”

  1. Stacey Says:

    Don’t let yourself think you don’t deserve to mourn as much as those with higher HCG’s or those who get to the u/s point. A loss is a loss. You were pregnant and lost it. It’s sad. I’ve lost babies before u/s and after seeing the h/b. It’s devastating no matter what. Hopefully sharing your story helps. Fortunately (unfortunately?) you are not alone.

  2. Aiza Says:

    I know exactly how you feel. My beta numbers weren’t all that great from the very beginning and I knew that it was only a matter of time before I lost the baby. I felt like the universe was playing a prank on me. One minute I was ecstatic from the BFP and the next I was sobbing from the miscarriage. I agree with Stacey. A loss is a loss. Mourn all you want. Cry all you want. After all it’s your body and only you know the extent of your grief. Lots of virtual hugs.

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