Ok, not officially until December 22, but we consider December to be a winter month and it sure looks it outside. I went for a walk today. Well, I took our dog for a walk today. I hadn’t been for a good walk since the embryo transfer to make sure I didn’t do anything too stressful. What a joke that was!
Anyway, we went to the local park and did a lap around the lake. As I was walking and trying to keep my mind off of recent events, I had a thought. I looked at all the trees and they were all empty of their leaves. And I could not help but have that same feeling…empty.
As silly as it may sound…when I found out I was pregnant, heck even before that, I talked to my stomach. Like I said I just knew this one was going to work and so from the day of the transfer up to yesterday before I got the results, I talked to our little embryo(s). I encouraged them to grow. . . to thrive . . . so that we would get to meet one or more of them next year. I told them how much we wanted them and how much we already loved them. I felt a connection already. But now…I am empty. I bled yesterday and the ironic thing it, that it started right after I listened to the message from the doctor’s office.
There are times throughout the day that I just want to get into bed and be numb. To let the days pass and get through Christmas as quickly as possible. I started looking at “support groups” on trying to conceive discussion groups and I just had this feeling that I did not belong there. Not sure if it was because I don’t feel like I was THAT pregnant. Afterall, I never got to the point of seeing anything on an ultrasound, heck my HCG numbers never made it above 30 (most pregnancies I read about in the discussion groups start out well above 100). Or if it was that I don’t want to dwell on this. Sure I need time to mourn, but I think the more time I spend reading about other people’s losses, the worse it would make me feel.
I have cried today, but not as much as yesterday. Tomorrow I will probably cry too. Hopefully not as much as today.
Thank you who have commented. I appreciate it!
There are a few of my friends/family that know of our journey and I cannot tell you how wonderful they have been. And if you are reading this, I love each and every one of you, thank you.
And my most incredible husband…who always holds me up and keeps me laughing even through the toughest of times. I LOVE YOU!
Life is not meant to journey alone.
Thanks for reading.