now and ever more

each journey begins with one step . . . a baby step

goodbye 2011, hello 2012 . . . December 31, 2011

Filed under: Misc Stuff — nowandevermore @ 7:21 PM
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So many times we fall into this trap of making new year’s resolutions and within a month, they are nothing but memories.  But we make them nonetheless.  I think resolutions are good if they are realistic.  So I guess you could say I have made my New Year’s resolution this year to lose weight and be healthier.  I would love to say my resolution is to get pregnant and have a baby, but that is pretty much out of my control, for the most part.  I will continue to try, but I need to do something I can control.  I can watch what I eat.  I can exercise more, I can cut out sugar…well, I can try to cut out sugar. 🙂

In addition, I think I want to try something fun.  Something to help make this blog a little more interesting instead of just talking about trying to have a baby.  That was my original intent of this, but as with life, it needs to evolve.

So I have decided to try some 30-day blog challenges.  I looked around online and found a few of different ones I might experiment with.  I am going to start this out tomorrow with Day 1 and the first challenge will be a combo of 2 infertility related blogs I came across.  Some of the questions overlapped so came up with a list that will give you fine readers a little further glimpse into my world.

So tomorrow I start the challenge, start eating better, start exercising (every day), start cutting out sugar (mostly – baby steps 🙂 ) and having a great 2012!  I just know this year will be great!  And if we end up with a baby, well, then it will be SPECTACULAR!!

Thanks for reading!!

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reflections . . . December 29, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 8:58 PM
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Well, 2012 is just around the corner and I can’t say I am happy with the way the year turned out.  But I guess it could have been worse, right?

Let’s see a recap . . .

January – We had our 3rd IUI attempt that ended with a big fat zero!

February – Estrogen was too high, had to put off 4th IUI for another month.

March – Estrogen still too high, put off the 4th IUI again!

April – Ended up going to the ER with a ruptured ovarian cyst.

May – Decide to skip 4th IUI and go right to IVF.  Start birth control pills (BCP) at the end of the month for July IVF.

June – BCP all month, started injections on June 30.

July – Had IVF #1 and did not get pregnant.

August – Back on BCP for IVF #2 in September.

September – Started IVF #2 and then found polyp in uterus before egg retrieval.  Had retrieval and froze embryos.

October – Started BCP and had surgery to remove polyp on October 19.

November – Had Frozen Embryo Transfer on November 20, 2 days after my 40th birthday.

December – Found out on December 2 that I was pregnant.  Found out December 12, that I was having a miscarriage.  Decided to try IVF #3 in March or April.

Well, that sums up our year, at least as far as our trying to conceive journey goes.  It seems all so “simple” when you write it so succinctly.

The end of this month marks 31 months that we have been trying to have a baby.  I know I technically got pregnant, but honestly there is a part of me that feels like it wasn’t real.  Sure the number was an indication that I had implantation, but it didn’t really go anywhere.  I did feel attached, but to what?  The idea of the baby growing inside of me?  The hope that in a couple of weeks I would get to see a heartbeat?  As quickly as it happened, it was taken away.  I am not angry that it happened.  I am heartbroken and I will always deal with this.  Some days will be better than others.  But I guess part of me feels like I wasn’t THAT pregnant to begin with.  You know the old adage, I will believe it when I see it.  Well, I never got to “see it”, so it is somewhat hard to believe.

It does give me (us) hope that this next IVF will work.  I have to believe, just like I believed this last one was going to work.  It did…it just didn’t stay.  So I have to believe that this next one will work and it will stay!!  And that we will get our miracle.  2012 will be a good year.  I know it.

You know what they say…third time’s a charm! 🙂

Thanks for reading!


Christmas . . . December 28, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 10:19 PM
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Well, I think considering what happened right before Christmas I did pretty well with it all.  We spent Christmas at my parents house and my brother, sister-in-law and their 2 kids were there as well.  The girls are 9 and 6 so thankfully no babies to deal with.   Friday and Saturday were ok, until Saturday night.  We went to Mass at 5pm (the children’s Mass) and I think just being in that setting, church decorated, all the kids, singing Christmas music, praying…I had a few moments throughout the service, where I teared up.  Thankfully my husband was there to hold my hand and I to hold his.  Then of course the Priest said to pray for all the expectant mothers and that about did me in….that was supposed to be me!!

A couple of other relatives dropped by.  It was nice to see them, but the first thing my cousin did was ask me how the 2nd IVF went?  Well, she said “so how are you?”  I said ok….then she said “did it work?”  First off, I was not aware that she knew!  My mom had told my Aunt and she apparently told her daughter!  Anyway, I told her that I miscarried and then of course I started to cry….then before she left she gave me a pep talk about it.  I know she meant well and I really appreciate it, but more tears.  But once we got through that, the rest of the trip was good.  Hubby and I got to have lunch with a friend from highschool and her family.  We had a great time with them.

So now we count down to the end of the year.  Can’t believe it is almost here….will post some reflections in my next blog, probably tomorrow….stay tuned!

Thanks for reading!


less than 1 . . . December 22, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 1:13 PM
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Got the call yesterday that my HCG level was finally less than 1.  I have also stopped bleeding.  So I can finally move on.  Well, for the most part.  Still have emotional breakdowns every once in a while.  But I know in time those will be fewer and fewer.

Now we can officially move on and focus on the next one.  Third time is the charm!!  IT WILL BE!!!!

I will be gone from here for a few days as we are going to my parents for Christmas.  And since we are going to wait until maybe March or April for IVF #3, I decided to undertake a new challenge:  to lose 20 pounds!  So I will probably blog about that for the next couple of months.  And our next doctor’s appointment is January 30…hopefully that goes well and we get a great game plan in place!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!  Have a blessed and safe holiday!!

Thanks for reading!


ready to move on . . . December 16, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 7:18 PM
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just wish my body was….

Went to doctor’s office today and my HCG level is at 6.06.  So I have to go back on Wednesday for another test.  They need to make sure it goes below 5.  I have been bleeding heavily since yesterday afternoon and cramping badly.  Hope this doesn’t go on for much longer.  I am ready for this to be over.  I know I am not the first woman to go through a miscarriage, but it is definitely harder than I thought it would be.  Well, actually I never thought about it, I guess.  But, wow.

I did ask the nurse when we can start our next IVF  cycle ( and most likely our last) and basically I have to get my period after this.  She said that may come 3-4 weeks after I stop bleeding from the miscarriage.  So time-wise…we could do an IVF in Feb or March.  We are mostly likely going to shoot for March, or maybe April.  I hate that my insurance does not cover this.  If the Federal government lets you take infertility expenses as a tax deduction, insurance companies should be required to cover them with NO loopholes!!!!

I can’t believe Christmas is almost here. Where did this year go?  Well, I think next year will be the year for us.  I have to believe that and keep the faith.  God has a plan for us and I hope that plan is to have a baby.  At least I keep praying for that.

Thanks for reading!


distractions . . . December 14, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 3:42 PM
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Today has been rainy and dreary.  So, thought I would post a photo of what I have been doing to help keep my mind occupied.  I actually started right before my 1st beta test and have been making some on and off since then.  I love to bake, so this has helped.

When my husband gets home from work, he said he would like to take me to see a movie.  I welcome more distractions and I always look forward to seeing movies with him.  We are going to see “New Year’s Eve”.  I have heard mixed reviews…so we will see.

Thanks for reading.

UPDATE:  Probably should not have gone to see that movie…it would have been ok if it hadn’t been for the pregnant women and all the babies in it!  UGH!  But I only teared up a couple of times. 


winter . . . December 13, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 5:08 PM
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Ok, not officially until December 22, but we consider December to be a winter month and it sure looks it outside.  I went for a walk today.  Well, I took our dog for a walk today.  I hadn’t been for a good walk since the embryo transfer to make sure I didn’t do anything too stressful.  What a joke that was!

Anyway, we went to the local park and did a lap around the lake.  As I was walking and trying to keep my mind off of recent events, I had a thought.  I looked at all the trees and they were all empty of their leaves.  And I could not help but have that same feeling…empty.

As silly as it may sound…when I found out I was pregnant, heck even before that, I talked to my stomach.  Like I said I just knew this one was going to work and so from the day of the transfer up to yesterday before I got the results, I talked to our little embryo(s).  I encouraged them to grow. . . to thrive . . . so that we would get to meet one or more of them next year.  I told them how much we wanted them and how much we already loved them.  I felt a connection already.  But now…I am empty.  I bled yesterday and the ironic thing it, that it started right after I listened to the message from the doctor’s office.

There are times throughout the day that I just want to get into bed and be numb.  To let the days pass and get through Christmas as quickly as possible.    I started looking at “support groups” on trying to conceive discussion groups and I just had this feeling that I did not belong there.  Not sure if it was because I don’t feel like I was THAT pregnant.  Afterall, I never got to the point of seeing anything on an ultrasound, heck my HCG numbers never made it above 30 (most pregnancies I read about in the discussion groups start out well above 100).  Or if it was that I don’t want to dwell on this.  Sure I need time to mourn, but I think the more time I spend reading about other people’s losses, the worse it would make me feel.

I have cried today, but not as much as yesterday.  Tomorrow I will probably cry too.  Hopefully not as much as today.

Thank you who have commented.  I appreciate it!

There are a few of my friends/family that know of our journey and I cannot tell you how wonderful they have been.  And if you are reading this, I love each and every one of you, thank you.

And my most incredible husband…who always holds me up and keeps me laughing even through the toughest of times.  I LOVE YOU!

Life is not meant to journey alone.

Thanks for reading.