now and ever more

each journey begins with one step . . . a baby step

Stop the madness . . . November 28, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 10:32 AM
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This round of IVF has definitely been a rollercoaster ride.  After the 1st one I thought for sure the 2nd one would be a walk in the park.  I knew what to expect and I had a different attitude.  Not quite the walk in the park I had hoped for but, I think this time I finally accepted that it was in God’s hand and that if it was meant to happen it would.  Of course, that doesn’t mean if it is not successful I will not be heartbroken again.  I know I will.  But going into it I am more positive this time.  Last time I wanted it so badly and I think pessimism got the better of me.  This time it is out of my hands and sometimes you just have to learn to let go.  I think so many of us going through IVF have the hardest time with that.  Letting go.  Not having any control in this situation.  We are told when to take our meds, when to give ourselves shots, when to show up for the ER and ET.  No control over how our body responds, how many follicles or eggs we produce.

It sucks not having any control over your own body.  But we do have control over our minds.  Well, at least when the hormones aren’t making us nuts!  We can tell ourselves that “I am not going to let this become all-consuming.  Life will go on with or without a baby.”  I am realistic and of course it is easy to say that.  But if someone said that to me after I was told IVF#1 did not work, I probably would have smacked them, hard.  Mourning takes time and as I have said before, it is a loss to go through a filed IVF and not be pregnant.  But eventually you have to pick yourself up and continue, day by day.  For each person it is different.  Some women are able to get right back to it the very next week.  For others it may take months or a year or longer.  But you have to get there, because if you don’t then I think you miss out on other things, on life.

I am not posting this because I am feeling bad about this FET that I just went through.  I am posting it because I feel happy!  Like I said previously I am being positive this cycle.  I have been feeling things I didn’t feel before.  Yes, it could be the meds I am on, or it could be an impending period, but I am going to assume I am pregnant.  I have to.  I spent the better part of the 2WW with IVF #1 being down and figuring that I was not pregnant and I ended up not pregnant.  Do I think my bad attitude caused me not to be pregnant?  Of course not.  But I know it didn’t help me cope.

So here I am just days away from my beta and I have had some cramping over the weekend, my hips have been very sore for the last few days, last night it felt like my breasts increased in size (my husband even said he thought they were bigger) and I have had some small bouts of nausea the last 2 evenings.  Yes, I googled and those could all be symptoms of an impending period or side effects of the medicine, but they could also be symptoms of pregnancy.  So with that I am still seeing myself as PUPO and hopefully the call I get Friday will confirm that.  🙂

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Thanks for reading!


One Response to “Stop the madness . . .”

  1. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you! –Taylor from Babycenter

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