now and ever more

each journey begins with one step . . . a baby step

Stop the madness . . . November 28, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 10:32 AM
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This round of IVF has definitely been a rollercoaster ride.  After the 1st one I thought for sure the 2nd one would be a walk in the park.  I knew what to expect and I had a different attitude.  Not quite the walk in the park I had hoped for but, I think this time I finally accepted that it was in God’s hand and that if it was meant to happen it would.  Of course, that doesn’t mean if it is not successful I will not be heartbroken again.  I know I will.  But going into it I am more positive this time.  Last time I wanted it so badly and I think pessimism got the better of me.  This time it is out of my hands and sometimes you just have to learn to let go.  I think so many of us going through IVF have the hardest time with that.  Letting go.  Not having any control in this situation.  We are told when to take our meds, when to give ourselves shots, when to show up for the ER and ET.  No control over how our body responds, how many follicles or eggs we produce.

It sucks not having any control over your own body.  But we do have control over our minds.  Well, at least when the hormones aren’t making us nuts!  We can tell ourselves that “I am not going to let this become all-consuming.  Life will go on with or without a baby.”  I am realistic and of course it is easy to say that.  But if someone said that to me after I was told IVF#1 did not work, I probably would have smacked them, hard.  Mourning takes time and as I have said before, it is a loss to go through a filed IVF and not be pregnant.  But eventually you have to pick yourself up and continue, day by day.  For each person it is different.  Some women are able to get right back to it the very next week.  For others it may take months or a year or longer.  But you have to get there, because if you don’t then I think you miss out on other things, on life.

I am not posting this because I am feeling bad about this FET that I just went through.  I am posting it because I feel happy!  Like I said previously I am being positive this cycle.  I have been feeling things I didn’t feel before.  Yes, it could be the meds I am on, or it could be an impending period, but I am going to assume I am pregnant.  I have to.  I spent the better part of the 2WW with IVF #1 being down and figuring that I was not pregnant and I ended up not pregnant.  Do I think my bad attitude caused me not to be pregnant?  Of course not.  But I know it didn’t help me cope.

So here I am just days away from my beta and I have had some cramping over the weekend, my hips have been very sore for the last few days, last night it felt like my breasts increased in size (my husband even said he thought they were bigger) and I have had some small bouts of nausea the last 2 evenings.  Yes, I googled and those could all be symptoms of an impending period or side effects of the medicine, but they could also be symptoms of pregnancy.  So with that I am still seeing myself as PUPO and hopefully the call I get Friday will confirm that.  🙂

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Thanks for reading!


The dreaded two week wait (2WW) . . . November 22, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 11:54 AM

So today is Day 2 after transfer.  Technically I don’t know how many days the embryos are.  I think the embryos were frozen on Day 3 (after retrieval) and then they were thawed the day before the transfer.  So I guess that means that they were 4 days old at the time of the transfer.  What I am getting at is, from what I have read, implantation happens 2-5 days after a day 3 transfer.  So if this is correct, one of these guys could be implanting.

What I am trying NOT to do is to think too much about every little twinge I am feeling.  Could this be implantation?  Could something be wrong?  Is it all in my head?  That is what makes this whole 2WW unbearable at times.  I am almost done with my 2 days of bed rest and I am glad!  Don’t get me wrong, I like vegging in bed, but I also like doing it on my own terms.

Yesterday I did pretty well.  I did feel some mild cramping in my uterus area yesterday and have continued to feel some today.   My boobies are getting sore and any other symptom I am feeling I am just trying to chalk it up to the estrogen and progesterone that I am taking.    I am trying my hardest not to obsess about every little thing.  It is what it is.

I am grateful that Thanksgiving is this week.  It will surely help the time to pass more quickly.  And I am grateful that we have had this opportunity to try to bring a child into this world.  And I am still being positive that it will finally happen!

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

Thanks for reading!


PUPO . . . November 20, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 4:22 PM

That means Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.

So I need to catch things up.  Sorry I haven’t been around for a bit.  Trying to get projects around the house done before today.

On Wednesday, November 16 we had our monitoring appointment.  Things couldn’t have been better.  My estrogen was at a great level and my uterine lining was at 11!  They told me they like to see it between 6 and 8, so we were very happy!  I got the call later that evening and we got our appointment time for the transfer on Sunday.  10:30am.  So I kicked things in high gear to get them done before Sunday.  Got all the Christmas decorations up and the lights outside, cleaned, laundry.  Then Friday came . . .

Yes I turned 40.  I have never been that troubled with my age.  I joked with my family about getting old, but it is just a number.  After all, I don’t think I look 40.  But then you factor in this darn fertility thing and BAM!  40 is not a good number, heck at 35 they tell you to only try for 6 months before you seek professional help.   So here I am at 40 now and undergoing an embryo transfer.

I do have to say that this time around (2nd IVF) I have felt much better about things, physically and more importantly mentally.  I do believe in the power of positive thinking and therefore I AM going to get pregnant this time!  I just know one or more of those embryos are looking around my uterus for just the right spot to snuggle in to.

So last night as I went to bed, I could not help but feel like a child the night before Christmas.  I know that sounds funny, but it was true.  I got up this morning and could not wait!  I managed to eat a small breakfast, take my meds and we were on our way.  Thankfully it was a Sunday.  Traffic was light and we were able to find street parking right in front of the door!

We got there right on time at 9:30am, signed the paperwork and they took me right back to change.  Now we wait.  All the while I am working on drinking water because it isn’t enough that you have to be on all of these hormone changing medications, then go through surgery to have your eggs removed, but now you must have a full bladder to have the embryos transferred.  Apparently having a full bladder pushes your uterus into a position so that the doctor can see (on ultrasound) where to put those little guys.

Well, my bladder was working perfectly if not better than perfect.  My appointment was at 10:30am.  That came and went and there were 3 ladies ahead of me.  So I actually had to “release” some of the pressure on my bladder at least 5-6 times before it was my turn.  You are not supposed to empty your bladder, so each time I would release some and then 15-20 minutes later had to go again!  Apparently there was a surgery bumped in front of us that is what took so long.  And I have to hand it to my wonderful husband for keeping the mood light.  I wasn’t the easiest person to be around with the pain emanating from my bladder, but he did he best to help take my mind off of it.

Finally it was my turn.  The doctor came over to us and gave us the report.  They thawed the embryos yesterday and 2 of the 3 continued to grow.  One had not changed.  And that is when I actually teared up.  I was praying that I had 3 to put in and so it upset me more than I expected.  The 2 that continued to grow were graded at 3-4.  4 is the highest so we were happy about that and the doctor told us we could go ahead and put all 3 in just for good measure; and we did.

So I am officially PUPO!  🙂  And the for the next few days I sit here in bed waiting for at least one of these little embabies to attach.  I feel good and know this will be the one!  This month has brought mine and my husband’s 3rd wedding anniversary (Nov 15), my 40th birthday and now today our baby.  And one other thing that I noticed about today, not that I am into numerology or anything, but today is 11-20-2011 – looks good to me!

Thanks for reading!


hodge podge . . . November 11, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 12:31 PM

Ok, so it has been awhile since I have posted.  Been a bit of a crazy week so I will try to catch everyone up.

Friday, November 4, I had my baseline appointment.  Standard blood work and ultrasound.  I was also given my timeline.  That is always a bit overwhelming.  But overall the appointment went well.  Hubby was out-of-town, but he had been to many of those appointments so I knew he would not miss anything.  He does always make for some good comic relief though.  🙂

So being the anal person I am, I got my timeline all transcribed onto a calendar.  A little daunting, but doable.   And my beta test will be on Dec 2.  YIKES!   (Note:  The Estradiol is not taken at 2am.  I take 2 in the am and 2 in the pm.)

So after my appointment I decided to undertake a painting project.  Since I am being positive and know that this FET will work, I wanted to get our bedroom and the spare bedroom painted before I have the transfer.  Now this project took me a lot longer than I thought it would.  I finally finished it all at about 10:30pm Saturday night!  After moving all the furniture around and stepping up and down on a stool, I was sufficiently tired and sore.  But glad I did it and it looked great!  Sunday of course I felt horrible.  Sore from the painting and then add to that a bad migraine.  I figured it was either from the meds (I added the estrogen on Saturday) or due to the weather.  Yes I am one of those lucky people who get migraines with certain weather systems.  And NOTHING helps the pain.  But once that system moves through the pain is gone.

Hubby got home on Sunday evening and then Monday we discovered we had mice.  After cleaning out one of the cabinets, we set a trap and ended up catching 4.  One after another.  I was thoroughly disgusted and mortified, but a few friends of mine assured me that it is no reflection on how clean I keep a house.   After 2 days of no more mice I am convinced that we are rodent free!  (I almost didn’t share that with you, but such is life and sometimes you have to deal with things that you never thought you would have to.)

So that was probably the most exciting part of my week.  Pretty sad.  But not much going on with the FET process.  My next appointment if 11/16 and then the real fun begins…waiting for Sunday, 11/20!  I am very excited about this.  I feel good about this one!  I am sufficiently “cleaned” out, my uterus anyway, from the polyp removal and d&c and now these little embryos have no excuse not to attach!

On a side note, not sure if any of you saw the latest on Mariah Carey.  But apparently she lost all of her 70 pounds she gained while pregnant with the twins and amazingly has a flat tummy!  The last 30 pounds she lost while on Jenny Craig and the 1st 40?  Well, she said that dropped off quickly because it was all water weight!  REALLY????  I know I have never been pregnant, but I do not think it is possible to have 40 pounds of water weight!  My theory is that since she had a c-section, she had a little tummy tuck and that is how she dropped a lot of the weight.  There is no way she could have dropped 70 pounds so quickly!  Granted I know she has personal trainers, chef, and whatever else the normal person does not have at their disposal, but does she really think we are that gullible???

I did a little research and came up with this:  In the average woman you should gain between 25-30 pounds and this is how it is allocated (estimates of course):

Weight distribution in the average woman:

  • 7 1/2 pounds is about how much the baby will weigh by the end of pregnancy.
  • 1 1/2 pounds is how much the placenta weighs.
  • 4 pounds is attributed to increased fluid volume.
  • 2 pounds is the weight of the uterus.
  • 2 pounds is the weight of breast tissue.
  • 4 pounds is because of increased blood volume.
  • 7 pounds is attributed to maternal stores of fat, protein and other nutrients.
  • 2 pounds for the amniotic fluid.
  • Total: 30 pounds

So even with her having twins and gaining 70 pounds there is no way 40 pounds of that was water.   I hate when you see a story on the news and it is blatantly false or spinned in such a way to make people think that this person did something incredible!  When in reality they did not!  Okay, that is just my 2 cents on the subject.

Well, hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Thanks for reading!


Superstition . . . November 2, 2011

Filed under: IVF/FET Journey — nowandevermore @ 9:37 PM

I am not really a superstitious person.  I let my husband see me in my wedding dress before the wedding.  I have accidentally broken mirrors.  But at the same time, if I spill salt, I toss a little over my left shoulder.  I knock on wood.  Maybe I believe a little, or I am just not willing to take my chances.  So today when I read a post on a IVF community board about taking a little test to see how many kids you will have and what their gender will be, I was curious.

Did I really think that holding a chain over my left hand will tell me about my progeny?  No, but it seemed harmless, so why not.  So I took the chain and locket that my husband gave me on our first date (it seemed perfect) and held it with my right hand over my left hand that was lying palm up on my desk.  I kept the right hand as steady as I could.  And after what seemed to be about 2-3 minutes it started moving in a circle and then after several revolutions, it stopped.  Then I waited another couple of minutes to see if I was destined to have any more kids and nothing.  So according to this “test”  we will have one child and it will be a girl.  Sounds great to me!!  In fact I kind of always imagined we would have a daughter.

And then this is where my brain kicks in.  Did my desire to have a child subconsciously make me move my fingers ever so slightly so that I would think that cosmic forces were telling me we would have one daughter?  Or was there some sort of magnetic field under my desk making the locket move?   I guess only time will tell.  I am not going to run out and buy a bunch of pink baby clothes because of it.

I believe that God has a plan for us and it is up to us to have faith in His plan.  I choose to have faith in God and not in an old wives’ tale or superstition.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t have a little fun waiting for His plan to unfold.  In this crazy world of IVF, maybe this test, true or not, helps as a tiny little reminder to have that faith.  Or maybe it is just something to give us a giggle so that we don’t cry because of our crazy hormones.  Either way, it was fun.

And yes, I will continue to toss the salt if spilled and to knock on wood.

Thanks for reading!